As parents we have the awesome challenge and responsibility of raising one of God’s most precious and wonderful gifts, our children. Some experts say we must praise them, but not too much and others say our children need encouragement, rather than praise to develop the tools they need for life.

Some children, from the time they are tiny tots, are taught to look to others for their love, praise, approval and support. They try to please their parents, their friends, their teachers, their coaches, and their peers. As adults, if they are still looking to outsiders for praise and approval they can be severely disappointed because they may not receive it.

How can we, as parents, develop a balance of praise and encouragement that will be in our children’s best interest? Healthy and appropriate praise can help children:
• build self-esteem.
• deal with stressful situations.
• recognize improvement and effort they have made.
• look within and honestly say, “Good job. I did it.”
• know when they have accomplished something that was difficult for them to do.
motivate themselves and enjoy praise for their effort and success.

Encouragement can influence children’s approach to life and their interaction with others. Rudolf Dreikurs, in his book, Children: The Challenge, reminds us that “children need encouragement like a plant needs water.” Encouraging words help children to build self-esteem and confidence. God’s love and parental ‘unconditional love’ help children know they are appreciated and are unique and special. Encouragement can help children:
• know they are loved for who they are.
• know parents want them to succeed and be happy.
• receive honest, positive, helpful feedback.
• know their effort is noticed.
• self motivate with confidence.
• know that you are proud of them too.

The major difference between praise and encouragement is that constant praise makes children look to others for approval and support. They begin to develop a need for praise and cannot function without it. Encouragement teaches the child to look within and identify their strengths and accomplishments. When we encourage children we are indeed giving them the ‘water’ they need to grow to be the loving adults that God calls them to be. Nothing is more damaging or devastating to children’s growth and development than negative criticism or belittlement. Encouragement is one of the most loving things we can do. Smile at your children, give them a pat or a hug for their effort, thank them for making good choices and acknowledge their behavior which will encourage better behavior and promote self-esteem.

Discussion question:
Discuss with your children what they believe helps them most to grow, be confident and have good self esteem?

About the author: Dr. Eileen McGrath received her Ph.D. from New York University in Religious Education with a specialty in Thanatology (study of Loss, Grief and Death). Eileen taught Elementary School for 16 years and has worked as a Mental Health Counselor for the last twenty eight years. Most recently, she remains in private practice with offices in Plano and Frisco, Texas. Eileen was an Adjunct Assistant Professor at NYU in the departments of Religious Education and Counselor Education. She was also an Adjunct Professor at Immaculate Conception Seminary at Seton Hall University. Dr. McGrath, presents workshops and lectures on various human issues, and is a published author of several books.