Self Talk: Anxiety of Peace
by Eileen McGrath, Ph.D.

Look Who’s Talking
Recent research reveals that we all talk to ourselves all day long. Our thoughts speed so rapidly through our minds that many times we are unaware of the message we are giving ourselves. Researchers have also told us that our minds are like tape-recorders or bio-computers that store all these messages we say to ourselves or hear from other people. We call this self-talk. Our self-talk is going to do one of two things; it will make us happy, or make us sad, it will build us up, or tear us down, it will scare us to death, or it will set us free.

So many children are in therapy today because they are having panic attacks, or they are filled with anxiety. We realize children and adults are living in an unsettled world and fear may seem to embrace us. One great gift we can give to ourselves and our children is to teach them ways to use their minds to feel safe and at peace. One way we can do this is to teach our children to be aware of their self-talk.

What messages do our children give themselves?
• Are they scary thoughts or calming messages?
• Do the thoughts make them feel good or put them down and make them feel awful about themselves?
• Is their self-talk positive on negative?
• Do they say, “I can’t do this, I won’t pass my test,” or do they say, “Yes I can, I can do this, I will pass.” We need to teach them to say soothing, positive messages to themselves and to reinforce their faith and trust in God.

Jane’s Story
Here is an example of one seven year old girl’s thought pattern and negative self-talk. Let’s call her Jane, which is not her real name. Jane had several siblings and they all had their own bedrooms. She had gotten into the habit of when she was scared or couldn’t sleep she would go downstairs and sleep in mom and dad’s bed. (Mental Health Professionals agree this is not a very good habit to develop. When the time finally comes when the child is made to sleep alone it can set up feelings of abandonment in the child and it can cause some harmful, psychological or emotional problems in later life.)

Little Jane was brought by her parents to a counselor because of anxiety and problems sleeping. The counselor discovered that as she climbed the stairs at night to go to bed she would say to herself, I won’t be able to sleep. She would climb into her bed and stare at her window and make up terrible things in her mind. She scared herself with thoughts such as; someone will climb in that window and kidnap me, or hurt me, or even kill me. Her Doctor had prescribed an anti-anxiety drug and sleeping pills to help alleviate the problem. After several counseling sessions, and with encouragement from her dad who attended her sessions, Jane was able to change her self-talk and as a result handle her fear and anxiousness. Walking upstairs she would sing “Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to bed I go. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe, hi ho, hi ho.” When she lay down in bed, she said positives such as: “I’m safe. God is with me. God is protecting me and holding me in the palm of His hand. The security alarm is on. My parents are here. I am safe. I will have a peaceful sleep.” By changing her scary self- talk that caused her such anxiety, she was able to calm herself down, and change her thoughts to those of peace. After she practiced the positive self-talk she was able to be taken off the medicine and enjoy nights of peaceful sleep in her own bed.

“Delete, Delete!”
When we become aware of our negative self-talk, we need to change the message. A very good technique to get rid of negative self –talk is to say to ourselves as soon as we become aware of it, “cancel, cancel”, or “delete, delete”, or “eject, eject”. The positive result does not come about by merely saying the combination of the two words, we must replace the negative self-talk with a powerful, positive message repeating the good thought over and over in our head more forcefully. We want to be sure to eliminate the negative message and change it to a positive one. If we could practice this technique we could become happier, healthier people of God. One word of clarity, some people have panic or anxiety attacks that are truly biological and need the advice of a medical doctor.

Have Faith
Remember the message in the Gospel of John where Jesus says, “I have come that you have life and have it abundantly.” Our faith in God and in God’s promise and using the psychological tools we have can enable us to calm our fears and fill us with the love and peace God wants for us.

For reflection and discussion:
1. How can you become aware of your self-talk and how can you help your children to practice this positive habit?
2. When you hear your child say negative or scary things out loud, can you gently remind him/her to cancel, cancel and change that message to a more positive one?
3. Jesus said, “Look at the birds. They do not plant seeds or gather their harvest into barns. Yet, God feeds them. Aren’t you worth much more to God than the birds? Do not worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will take car of itself” (based on Matthew 6:26, 34). How can you and tour family become more aware of God’s loving care for all of you?

About the author: Dr. Eileen McGrath received her Ph.D. from New York University in Religious Education with a specialty in Thanatology (study of Loss, Grief and Death). Eileen taught Elementary School for 16 years and has worked as a Mental Health Counselor for the last twenty eight years. Most recently, she remains in private practice with offices in Plano and Frisco, Texas. Eileen was an Adjunct Assistant Professor at NYU in the departments of Religious Education and Counselor Education. She was also an Adjunct Professor at Immaculate Conception Seminary at Seton Hall University. Dr. McGrath, presents workshops and lectures on various human issues, and is a published author of several books.