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Kids Grieve Too
By Eileen McGrath
We read in Ecclesiastes 4.3-1-8, ‘There
is a time for everything.” Loss and change are inevitable parts
of life. Throughout life, we may experience a variety of loss. For example,
loss can range from moving from one place to another, to changing schools,
or to the death of a loved one, a friend, a pet, a sibling, a parent or
other relatives.
When it comes to children and loss, our children need help understanding
their emotions. Our kids may be able to express their feelings or they
may have conflicting thoughts and reactions to the loss. However a child
feels, the first and most important step for parents is to validate what
their children are feeling and expressing.
Our children will look to us as models of grieving. Our openness about
a loss and our expression of our emotions will teach our children that
it is ok to feel and not to pretend it doesn’t hurt. It will also
teach them that grief is not only normal but also a real necessity. (See
John10, 28-37.) We need to help our children understand that when we love
intensely we will grieve intensely.
Children tend to take responsibility for a death or to feel guilty because
of their behavior, or their angry or negative feelings toward the person.
One essential question to ask our children after the death of a loved
one is, “Do you believe that what happened was in anyway your fault?”
They may believe their bad or secret thoughts contributed to the death.
After several deaths, some children blame themselves for “bad things
happening to everyone and everything they love and touch.” It is
very important to discuss the life and death cycle of all living things.
This will help reassure children that they are not responsible for the
“bad things” that sometimes do happen to many good people.
To understand your child’ reaction to loss it is important that
you realize that a child’s feelings, thoughts, and the depth of
the grief will be influenced by several factors:
• The family’s openness and communication skills.
• The child’s age and maturity.
• Any previous encounter with a major loss.
• The child’s relationship with the person who has died.
Creating an atmosphere of love, security, and openness will best assist everyone in the family to deal with grief in his/her own way.
History teaches us that grief is real and will not go away. It can be an emotional roller coaster or like waves ebbing and flowing in the ocean. Some waves are enormous and can knock us off our feet and others just wash over us causing feelings of sadness and pain. Grief can be postponed or avoided for a while, but at some point it will make its presence known in our life. A person may experience an unexpected profoundly emotional response to a very minor loss and not realize that this may be an expression of delayed grief. We must try to feel what we feel, face the pain, and try to work through it to adjustment, healing and acceptance. The process takes as long as it takes and there are no shortcuts.
What can we do to help our children handle the many losses they will encounter in life? We know that children of different ages have a different comprehension of death. If your child has a previous experience with loss or death, their understanding and awareness may be advanced beyond their years. As parents we must remember that children are little people with a big radio antenna. Even infants can pick up the emotional atmosphere of the caregiver and the environment. They sense that something is wrong and they need their routine to be as normal as possible. It may be necessary for another family member to care for them during the acute period of parental grief. At the same time, we must never force our children to share their grief, but we need to encourage them by our love, faith and openness.
Help children remember with real and symbolic ways to express their grief. Children may:
• Draw pictures or write letters to express feelings.
• Put these letters or pictures in the casket as a farewell.
• Make a memory box or photo album about the person.
• Pick one special possession of the person as a keepsake.
• Keep a journal, write down how they feel or write to the person (they will not mail these).
• Share the greatest gift or life lesson they received from that person (a hug, their smile, their humor, their acceptance).
• Remember that person will stay in their heart and memory.
For Discussion and Reflection:
1. When we see a world event or tragedy can we discuss it as a family and ask our children how they feel about what happened. Can they empathize with what the people or person feels, and do they have any questions they want to ask?
2. If there has been a loss in your family ask if there is anything they want to share or ask about the death? How are they feeling now?
Where to go for more information:
1. Schaefer, Dan and C. Lyons, How Do We Tell the Children? A Parents' Guide to Helping Children Understand and Cope When Someone Dies, New York: Newmarket Press, 1986. This book helps a parent discuss death. All ages.
2. McGrath, Eileen, Limited Life Lasting Love: Siblings Grieve Too, Texas: RCL Resources for Christian Living, 1997. This book discusses the death of a sibling but can be helpful for explaining death of a loved one. All ages.
3. Buscaglia, Leo, The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story of Life for All Ages, New York: Holt, Rinehart, and Winston, 1987.
4. Rainbows for God's Children, founded in 1983, is an effective school support program that offers hope and healing to grieving children who are experiencing a divorce or a death in the family. For more information contact: Ms. Yehl Marta, National Executive Director, Rainbows, 111 Tower Road, Schaumburg, IL 60173, 800-266-3206.
About the author: Dr. Eileen McGrath received her Ph.D. from New York University in Religious Education with a specialty in Thanatology (study of Loss, Grief and Death). Eileen taught Elementary School for 16 years and has worked as a Mental Health Counselor for the last twenty eight years. Most recently, she remains in private practice with offices in Plano and Frisco, Texas. Eileen was an Adjunct Assistant Professor at NYU in the departments of Religious Education and Counselor Education. She was also an Adjunct Professor at Immaculate Conception Seminary at Seton Hall University. Dr. McGrath, presents workshops and lectures on various human issues, and is a published author of several books.
